I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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