What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
