i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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