ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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