Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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