Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
