I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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