just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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