So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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