I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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