i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
