I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
