I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
