i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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