No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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