I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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