i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
