And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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