i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
