I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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