I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize