here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
