So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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