She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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