I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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