So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
