sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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