Can Purell be used as lube?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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