Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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