I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
