I just threw up on my dentist
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
