I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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