Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
