May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
