some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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