drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
