I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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