Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
