I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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