I bet he comes in French.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
