so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
