Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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