Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
