my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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