I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize