just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
