I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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