all she had left on were here heels. phone five
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
