Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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