she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
