How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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