I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
