I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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