Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
