I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
