I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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