My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
