I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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