Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
